THE MONCHICHIS I HAD WERE EVIL, WANTED FOR PETTY THEFT. NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRIED, I COULDN’T CURB THEIR EVIL WAYS. YOU’D THINK THEY COULDN’T GET MUCH ACCOMPLISHED, YOU KNOW, WITH ONE HAND GLUED TO A PACIFIER. BUT THEY DIDN’T SEEM TO HAVE MUCH TROUBLE.
IT ALL STARTED OUT VERY INNOCENTLY: GUMBALLS, BATTERIES, RUBBER CEMENT. THIS LASTED QUITE SOME TIME, AND I HATE TO SAY IT, BUT THE PERKS OUTWEIGHED THE FEAR OF THE LAW.
TROUBLE REALLY STARTED WHEN THEY JOINED A MONCHICHI GANG. THEIR MEETINGS WERE FULL OF DRUGS AND ALCOHOL, AND IF YOU CAN BELIEVE IT… SEX. HORRIFIC!
THEIR RIVALS WERE A GROUP OF OUTLAWED SNORKS -- REAL BAD ASSES, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. TENSIONS WERE MOUNTING AND WAR WAS WAGED ON THE MONCHICHI CHARLATAN HEADQUARTERS -- MY HOUSE.
ATTENDANCE AT GANG MEETINGS WAS ON THE RISE. APPARENTLY, IT WAS BECOMING COOL TO BE DESTRUCTIVE. THE MISCHIEVOUSINESS OF MY MONCHICHIS AND THEIR FRIENDS WAS TAKING ITS TOLL ON MY ELEMENTARY SCHOOL CAREER. THE GROWING NUMBER OF SNORK RUFFIANS WAS MAKING ME VERY NERVOUS. I CONTINUALLY TRIED MY BEST TO STAY OUT OF THE MONCHICHI AFFAIRS. THEY WEREN’T UNGRATEFUL STUFFED ANIMALS, THEY JUST POSSESSED AN EXCESS OF ENERGY THAT HAD AN OUTLET IN A LIFE OF CRIME.
SADLY, THE LAST STRAW CAME WHEN AT A PARTICULARLY ROWDY MEETING, THE MONCHICHIS DRUGGED ME AND TOOK ME TO GET A TATOO -- ONE THAT I CAN NEITHER TALK ABOUT OR SHOW TO ANYONE. AFTER THAT INCIDENT, I HAD TO TAKE MATTERS INTO MY OWN HANDS.
I PUT AN END TO THE MADNESS AND SUFFOCATED THEM ALL. THEY WERE EVIL, BUT THEY WERE NOT SMART. THEY WENT TO THE DUMP ONE DEWY WEDNESDAY MORNING, THEIR LIFELESS BODIES JUST A SHADOW OF WHAT THEY HAD BEEN.
I’M NOT VERY PROUD OF WHAT I WAS DRIVEN TO DO, BUT ULTIMATELY, I THINK MY ACTIONS SAVED MY IOWA TEST SCORES.
THIS STORY’S NOT A PRETTY ONE, BUT IT’S TRUE.